Week 12

This week as we talked about divorce and remarriage the biggest thing that stuck out to me was how many people go into a new marriage thinking they are getting a freshstart. The thing that you really have to realize with divorce and remarriage is that you are carrying around even more baggage than when you were going into a first marriage. Everyone brings in some baggage when  you get married, that's what you choose to accept when you get married, but if you are going into a remarriage, it's not a fresh start there was more baggage than the first marriage, and you have to accept that, and recognize that. It was something I had never thought about, but I think that is the ugly reality some people choose to avoid facing. Remarriage can be wonderful and a great better life after a hard first marriage, if you choose to accept this fact.

Week 11

This week while we have talked about parenting, some extremely significant thoughts have run through my mind. Parenting is on of the most important roles I will have in this life, next to being a wife. This is an opportunity I have to make a difference. As I have thought about some things that I could do to make myself prepare to be a good parent for my furture children, I have thought of a few things. I started thinking a lot about how as parents we are the ones that teach our children how to think. Whether we realize it or not, how we think as individuals is going to in turn play a significant impact on how our children learn to think. You may think that how we think really isn't that big of a deal, but, it is very significant. My parents are incredible parents, and they really make many sacrifices in devoting their lives to loving and caring for their children. However, they aren't perfect. My mom's mom has a tendency towards very negative and self-critical attitude, and obviously inevitably my mom kind of picked up that same thought process, which in turn has become my way of thinking. I have recently come to realize this, as I have struggled with depression and anxiety significantly in the last couple of month. Unfortunately, changing the way you think is very difficult, because you do it without even realizing it. Luckily, with this realization however, I was able to think this week about that, and have come to realize that if I were to change how I think now, before I start raising them and teaching them how to think, I can prevent them from suffering or going through what I am going through. I would never want anyone to feel what I feel at times, or have to struggle with this difficulty of changing how to think. This has become a huge motivating factor in raising that desire and will to change how I think, because I want to teach my children how to think positively abou themselves, and to recognize their abilities, in addtion to this, one important thing that was suggested in our dicussions this week, was that we as parents need to focus on the behavior we desire, not the behavior we don't desire. So, telling your children the things they do well as opposed to the things they don't do super well, or the things that they need to improve on. This is a good step in changing the way we think from negative to positive.

Week 10

This week we talked about finances, and women working outside of the versus being full-time homemakers. One thing that really stood out to me, was when we talked about the statisitics on how much women working outside the home really make, and then comparing the extra expenses gained from the mom having to get a job, such as day-care, more eating out, etc. I was totally astounded to find out that in the end the family is actually not only loosing money from the mother working outside of the home, but also she is loosing that valuabe time with her children, and there is more stress because no one is there to do the housework, so then that has to be figured out, which could cause problems, less time to make dinners, how do you figure that out? So the biggest thing to me this week was not only are families experiencing a lot of added stress when the mother goes to work, and not only is the mother loosing that important time with her kids to teach and raise, which is her responsibility, but on average a family is actually loosing money by doing this! Wow, that is so interesting, and such a testimony added to why this is God plan, and why we should obey his command for mothers to be in the home to raise her children properly.

Week #9

This week as we talked about councils it was realling interesting to me to learn about how the prohpets and apostles council. And it really hit me that this is a pattern they are setting for how our families should be running. I have always thought that marriage was more about compromising, but it was so neat to see that it really doesn't have to be. If you concil as a family and as husband and wife, how the brethren have set the pattern for, then decisions can be made that everyone agrees upon and feels good about. Recently my husband I had to make a really big decision about what to do this summer. He was offered an opportunity to do an internship in russia. This was going to be a really good opportunity for him to imrpove his russian, and to land a job a in the future. He really wanted to go. However, the downfall was that it costs a lot of money, more than we have. Which would create a huge financial stress. We also would loose out on the opportunity we would normally have this summer to work, and save up money for the next two semesters. (Since we are both off track from april -september) another downfall was that we would have to be apart for those three months he was in russia because I wasn't allowed to go with him. The decision needed to be made quickly, and we were unsure what to do. After praying about it we felt as if Heavenly Father would be okay with either decision, and that both would work out one way or the other. However, we still knew it would be very hard and potentially very stressful. As we discussed it was clear that he wanted to go and I did not want him to go. I didn't feel settled about him going to Russia and us being apart for that long. I also did not see how in the world we would survive, financially. Well, at that point it seemed as if the only option was for one of us to give in, and make the sacrifice. We spent hours discussing it, and neither of us felt good about each other's choice. We had to decide that night after weeks of trying to convince eachother of our points of view. So, it seemed one of us would have to make the sacrifice. Ultimately, I decided that I wanted my husband to be happy, and that seemed like the only way he would be happy. So he is going. As we discussed this week about a higher way of making decisions, it opened up a whole new light into a way of making decisions that all people involved in the decions can agree and feel good about it. I feel alright about the decsions now, as I have prayed for the ability to support my husband, and to feel good about the decision, but it wasn't good, and at times I still feel unsettled. However, this method of decision making we have discussed this week is truly of God, and I know that I will be sure to make sure we will be using it in all of our decisions in the future. I am so excited about it. Because it is so much better than I thought decision making in marriage and famlies was all about.

Week #8

This week we talked about crises I started realizing some things about my own family. When I started making a list of some crises that had occured in my family I could think of one thing. My family really hasn't had a lot of horrible things happen to us, but I know we have had difficulties beyond that. And as I tried to remember things that had happened in my family throughout my life, I began to realize a pattern. That was that when hard times occured, no one talked about it. It was something that we never talked about. I remember some things that had come up, such as my cousin getting excommunicated when I was about 14 years old or so, and I remember hearing about it when my mom was on the phone with her brother, his dad. I and I overheard part of the conversation. So I was able to catch that he had been excommunicated but that was it. I remember waiting for my parents to tell me about it, and they never did. So one day I asked my mom, and she blew it off, and said something along the line of, "you don't really need to know the details." So still to this day, I don't know anything about it. I also remember a similar experience when my bishop got excommunicated in the ward I grew up in when I was around twelve years old. I remember hearing about it through gossip from ward members. When I finally got up the courage to ask my parents about it, all they said was, "He just decided he was going to take a break from the church for a little bit" I mean I know I wasn't super old, but none of this was anything near what I was hearing as rumors. I didn't know what to believe. So, all throughout my life I just assumed everything was totally fine, and I grew this perception that you are not supposed to talk about personal things that are happening in your life, and you never tell anyone else, even family members about any crisis, or anything going wrong in your life. I am glad my parents never exaggerated stuff, or made a whol big drama out of some of the challenges our family faced, but I think in a way it was a little extreme that they choose never to tell us children anything about the dirty or the ugly stuff. Because, now that I am married, my husband had a totally different view. He grew up in a family where they told everyone about everything. So, as we have started facing some struggles and a crisis here and there, the first thing he does is tell his dad, and then everyone else knows. And I am still struggling with this, because I am thinking, "How could you abuse my trust. How could you reveal such personal things with your dad, who you know is going to share it with the rest of you family!" I mean I felt totally betrayed. I still am struggling with this, because he doesn't really understand my point of view because it is so forgien and opposite. So, I really have realized the effect this can have on family relations, and I am trying to still find a happy medium, and a healthy way to raise our family, and a healthy way of dealing with those crises we will face.

Week #7

This week was really good as we were talking sexual intimacy within marriage, something that really stood out to me, was at one point Brother Williams made a really good point that a husband and wife's sexual intimacy really reflected how the rest of the relationship was going. That you really couldn't have a healthy functioning marriage if you're sex life really sucked, and if you had a sex life that you were satisfied with you were more likely to be successful in other areas of your marriage. For example, if you were really unhappy with that sexual intimacy within your marriage it would really reflect within other areas of your marriage. We discussed how important it was to make each other aware of your needsss, and to be really specific of what you like and don't like so you can have a that open communication and desire to please your spouse and meet their needs, not just appear to only meet your own needs. I really liked this advice, it really stood out to me, and rang true. I am the kind of person that is kind of a people pleaser and I have a really hard time telling people what I am thinking, and telling them if I like something or don't like something. That is something that is really difficult for me. So I don't usually do that. But, I can really see how imporant that is, especially in a marriage, and especially in the sexual intimacy part of a marriage.

Week #6

This week we talked about adjusting to marriage. Being recently married this seemed to apply to me a lot, and I was able to really make a lot of connections with our class discussions, and gain so powerful insight on how I can improve in adjusting to the changes I am currently facing in marriage. One of the things that stuck out to me that most was the iportance of talking about the changes that are occuring, and how beneficial it would be to talk about them and plan for them and discuss how to deal with them beforehand. It is kind of too late now to talk about most of them beforehand since we are already facing them, but as far as future things, such as children, that is a good insight I gained that we should talk about those change and challenges before they even occur, so we are more prepared to handle them together.
One of the changes that we discussed in class was boundaries. When we got married I had to cut some of my relationships with my family members, not completely but in some ways, so it would not come in the way of my relationship with my husband. I have always been super close with my mom, and whenever I am having a problem, before I would always just call her up and she always knew what to say, and I really felt like I could talk to her about anything, and she always helped me out a ton. So when we first got married that was such a huge change I had to adjust to, because I knew that my relationship that I needed to focus on from now on was my relationship with my husband, which did not include my mom. I mean it was okay to still call her every now and again, and maybe get some advice, but never diclose any personal information from our relationship, and mostly just call her to talk and catch up in life. It has been really hard because when things get tough, I want to just call her up and ask her what to do, even just get her reassurance that it's normal, and that everything will be okay, but luckily from the beginning, I knew that was only going to break my marriage.
However, my husband has a similar relationship with his father. I had noticed that he spent a lot of time talking to him on the phone, and that sometimes he diclosed some personal information from our relationship that he really shouldn't. He called for his advice frequently, not that that is super bad, but the frequency was what was bothering me. Sometimes I even felt as if he was making our own personal decision with his dad, and not with me. His dad had  been brought into the relationship, and now important decisions like when to have kids was between my husband, his dad...and kind of me. When really decisions like that need to between me, my husband and the Lord.
Marriage is a hard adjustment and it takes more than a lifetime to figure out how to make things work, and how to create a loving and perfect marriage. But, that is why we must be careful to always use the time that we have to always improve. I was thankful that we discussed the importance of defining boundaries in a marriage this week, because it helped me pinpoint what it was that was weakening our marriage. I could feel tension between me and my husband building up, and I constantly felt as if there was something I was missing, that really was weakening our marriage, and in the back of my mind was truly bothering me, I just didn't know what. I think it was even causing me to loose some trust in him, because I felt like he was keeping things from me, because he never talked with me about those important things. After recongnizing this, I went to my husband and was able to confide in him what I saw happening and the dangers of it. We were able to sit down and discuss some of the boundaries we should have discussed long ago, but better late than never! We have long ways to go and a lot of work, but recongnizing and mending things that are hindering that most important relationship with your spouse is so important, and worth anything.